Life | Grief | Loss | Belief

My Problems Are Never Correlated With Belief

Some problems are related to one’s inability to grieve and to let go when the time comes.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

I received a message today, from an old acquaintance. He wanted to check up on me, and also ask how I was doing. I said, that I was doing okay. He then asked me what I was up to, how was my health. I told him that I got diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.

He was startled and asked me, what happened. He called me and asked, “what’s up?” — I replied, “Suffered some losses, experienced many extreme hardships and emotional blows for the past two years.” I have been recently trying to control my symptoms of depression, I lost a dearly beloved friend recently.

He had a tight breast cage, and always had problems of the heart. His body had a condition, I can’t remember what it was called but he used to get sick often from extreme running or burnout. During his return from Dubai, a few months ago. He fell ill and suffered a heart attack. The doctors advised that he needs bypass surgery. I felt that it was too early to jump right in without proper confirmation of his symptoms, but he decided to agree.

He died on the surgical table, in the morning during the operation from a cardiac arrest. I recently found an old quiz he once solved, I cried as I read his words through his writing. He was working as a software engineer, fully healthy, a hard-working gentleman. The kindest and boldest of men I have met. He died just like that in an instant. I remember the last conversation, we had. I have had many conversations with people before the day they die.

My uncle also died two months later, he was my father’s best friend. The way he died was also a tragedy. Last year, in 2019 His family were traveling back to their home when they had a car accident, his wife and son died on the spot while his daughter suffered a concussion and she went mad from the trauma.

This gave him severe depression, and he was either always crying or whimpering. He would call my father in the cold murky nights, crying on the call asking my father to pray for her daughter. He was a renowned statesman and a banker but this meant nothing to him anymore. Everything he ever had he lost that in an instant, just like that. He used to say to my father, that I hope my daughter recovers so I could get her married so she lives a happy life so that I can be in content with what I have left.

He grew weak every day, we visited my father’s hometown perhaps in February before the whole global pandemic started. We had a chance to meet him but couldn’t perhaps that is a regret my father keeps. He died in the first week of June 2020 having a heart attack.

He lost everything, then the traumatic experiences of how it unfolded for him through the suffering of his daughter, it took a toll on him, and he died.

During the time, we got the news we were searching for a donor for my grandmother’s surgery. My grandmother in the first week of June one night she fell from her bed. She broke her leg. This was something devastating for us, as in her age these kinds of accidents are as a sign lethal.

We were anxious, and all of us even cried so much for what had happened. In times, where the world is trusted into chaos, my grandmother suffered such a lethal blow. My grandmother was perhaps 87 years old. She had fought other diseases such as schizophrenia and Alzheimers. She even got better, and then this happened to her. She always had problems, but I felt so much pain seeing her this way every night when I would tend to her.

We were looking for a donor so that we could get blood for her surgery. We couldn’t, and the surgery was delayed for a few days. The surgery was performed, she was well for a few days after or so we thought.

In times of this crisis, most doctors were not even operating on her. Such forms of despair she had to face, because of the risk of corona even when she had no symptoms. We couldn’t find blood, people were saying we don’t have it — they just didn’t want to give it to civilians sadly.

In the last week spent with my grandmother, it was like she was losing her will to live. Every night she would talk to one individual, it was like we were saying our goodbyes to our beloved grandmother. One night it was a horrible sight, she started crying while we were lifting her during her bath time.

We were all in agony, we are all being tormented. This was perhaps our hardest trial in those last few days. For my grandmother, was probably the hardest week in our life yet for this year. It was much harder for as she was losing her will to live perhaps.

After the surgery, a few days later — one night she was suffering from urination failure. Liquid started building up in her body. That night we contacted the hospital but they said to come in the morning there aren’t many resources for an emergency. We waited, it swelled up in the morning. We took her in the ambulance, I was sitting beside her the entire night when she was even finding it hard to breathe. When I put her in the ambulance, It was like I felt this feeling, this sense of impending loss coming.

I ran towards my praying mat, and I prayed to God for relief. After I stood up, a few moments later My sister ushers the grave news that she had died from liver failure. I have been keeping that pain since last night until I finally broke into tears. I was able to let go because of the trauma my friend gave me, I was able to relieve myself of my pain and thus I’m somewhat willing to move on from that. I found it hard that my friend was not able to help me, through his words as I never felt compassion through his words — he only meant to blame the person in pain.

I buried my grandmother the night after she died, 8 hours later. I stayed with her grave the entire night with our entire family and relatives praying for her. We left in the morning but some of us stayed behind in our family cemetery. There had been people I hadn’t visited in a few years. I missed them, and I cried alone when everyone was gone. I prayed and I cried.

Last night while writing this perhaps was my best therapy. I believe it will take time for me to move towards in life as I am the legacy of the people that have left this world and I have to take their piety and lessons taught to me forwards.

This pandemic, this year perhaps is hard. I have lost many people, and many people perhaps have mocked me as well as the friend the other day. But I’m hopeful that my words will be able to bring comfort to those to know that at times the best way to comfort someone is just by saying nothing and just embracing them, staying by their side.

I broke down emotionally while writing this, I have seen a lot of pain and suffering in my life that keeps me ticking hidden in the deepest crevices in my heart. It’s the last moments that I spent with them, that cause me grief. I have known thousands of people, and I have lost many. I have loved hundreds, and despise none. They are what they are. I am what I can choose to be. Writing this perhaps, caused a sudden pinch towards the barrier that was holding it. My friend said to me, that it’s your belief.

I who has a mental resolve, who had stood tall to live’s hardships alone. He said to me, that you don’t have a high belief in God and yourself. That I don’t have faith. The things that I have experienced and my faith has always strengthened my belief and resolve if that were the case. If I didn’t believe in myself or If I didn’t have faith. I wouldn’t be alive.

This hurt me emotionally to a great level. I wasn’t expecting this, not at the time I was still grieving for my grandmother and for the countless people I have lost. My emotional outburst, was that why did you say this to me? Do you even know what I have been through? He cut the call, right there and then. He came to help me, to listen and when it came for him to listen to the emotional rage caused by his lack of kindness or empathy — be it a mistake. He said somethings in between, during my emotional outburst that

“This is the reason why I don’t listen to you, you have a belief problem?”

I suffer from the low belief syndrome he replied. He tried to turn around this argument, and he left the call. I called him back, The whole conversation I had with him. I didn’t even swear, or lack thereof to make him leave. He just decided to leave after causing me more suffering than I was in.

When it comes from the ones you love, it hurts. It burned through my heart like a silver spear. And I went into an emotional outcry. I haven’t felt like this since the last time it happened.

It was the trigger to the scene that followed, I have learned to control myself during a conversation or any activity. My subconscious is always aware, it’s like I am seeing two things at the same time, I see my conscious self crying and my subconscious that’s observing, sometimes I stop when both kinda get in sync. It is a weird thing I experience in emotional outbursts. I told him he can’t leave now. I told him what had happened, and the many people I have lost. The suffering I have gained from my family, and from other people whom I have loved.

He asked forgiveness, I said I am sorry and I forgive you. But you should have known not to say something like this to me, someone who loves you like a brother. I then said my goodbyes, to him. We kind of made up, but I know he won’t be contacting me any time soon.

When we can’t help another, why do we add more fuel to their suffering when we know we can’t listen, and help someone.

He did help perhaps, he stabbed me with a trauma that I needed, to relieve myself. It happened today while writing this piece, I wrote something similar yesterday about how I need a traumatic experience to break into tears. It happened today, a few minutes ago. I cried, for the people I have lost. I did control my screams because I don’t want my mother to worry about me, who lost her mother, nor do I want anybody to worry about me in this depressing state.

I still thought of them, even though I just wanted to cry. I wanted to scream, but being self-aware you scream in a low tone. I am still thinking about others, even when I am in tears. I asked God while crying why does he give pain to the people I love? why doesn’t he give me trails instead of their pain?

I can take it for their sake, I love them. I then fell to the floor and had my head splat on the floor, and I cried and asked God to please ease the suffering of my loved ones. I prayed for all the people that have departed this world. I prayed for the people who are here that are blessed with happiness, piety, and joy.

Sometimes even if you have inner peace, depression will still affect you. Let’s be real about that. Sometimes the causes or the reasons will be from the people around you. It’s not always in your control. You learn to manage it by letting go.

I felt peace afterward, I feel that I wailed as much as I could. Because at the end of the day, the facade “men don’t cry” was going to be splattered on my face. I can’t release myself of my emotions, but everyone else can just because I am a man, and men are strong!? Perhaps the dilemma of people around me, who mock me instead of comforting me.

But at least I feel better now, I sleep well sometimes. I am thankful to write about this experience away. It acted as a therapeutic tool that brought out my deeper emotions, and whoever is reading this, I want to say you’re not alone. Thank you for being the reason that I was able to frame my words.

Sometimes, it’s not about one’s belief that they can’t solve a problem. Sometimes, the right time hasn’t come. It came through hardship that I heard, and I feel fine now. I have internal peace always in the heart but now I have peace of mind as well. I don’t let depression get the best of me. I use my hyperactivity and ADD to my advantage and negate all the negative forces.

And we all know that negative times negative is always a positive answer.

Thus, I use it like that. There is always another way to look at things, sometimes we don’t need to scrutinize someone based on their belief but we have to give them the comforting embrace that they can let go of their worries as have I.

The best one who will always be there is yourself. I cried with myself, I hugged myself. I am here for myself and yourself. But you need to be there for yourself too. Take care, Stay Blessed, and Stay Safe!

With Love ❤️

Riku Arikiri

I write about life, and the hope it bears in a poetic context. 💖🕊️

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