Late Night Brisk Walks
10/10/2020 — It’s about 1:20 am, I felt like taking a brisk walk during midnight. I believe it’s that one time, in the night when everybody is asleep and there is but one nightcrawler like myself. It seems like an exciting to explore the world, in the peace and silence present around you.
It gives you a time, where you can talk to yourself truly. A time, where contemplating our lives becomes easier. I remember the young times, where I would run as soon as I got free from school. The good days, watching my favourite T.V shows, playing with my neighbourhood friends, and perhaps enjoying my youth as a whole.
Every day nowadays, it seems the same. There were hardships, before but now every day just seems like one tiring day one after the other. Then there are these days, where I do not feel like doing anything. The hardest struggles these days is the fatigue that crushes my senses and my body. It is this time perhaps, that is the only time that isn’t frightening nor it is tiring. I feel like I can walk in this quiet precipice.
I suffer from chronic insomnia, some of my mates say, “I have bad habits.” But little do they know I suffer from severe anxiety as well. It’s not that I worry because I am anxious, it’s because I have this fear of losing people I have loved or who have loved me. In many ways, this fear has built tolerance and strength but in some ways, It has created characteristics that keep me up at night. The feelings of cautiousness, and being alert.
The entire year has been painstakingly hard. Losing a loved one can have certain effects on you. Especially when you’re just but a little child. It’s something that tends to stay there deep within you. This feeling of not being able to say goodbye. A child, however, feels much regret when they believe that perhaps they weren’t able to do anything to save their loved ones. Even though it’s not your fault, but as you grow up you learn to understand that it’s life.
Even though I’m old, the instance of saying goodbye becomes significantly aware. Any moment spent with your loved ones keeps me up at night. I reminisce upon the facts, that I used to wake up just to see whether they were breathing properly. Checking their pulse and even sometimes asking them a plausible question to check in the night whether they are okay or not.
It’s not that they weren’t okay — it’s just confirming to myself that I’m not alone, that they are still there. In isolation, I do not feel alone at the moment. The night sky under which I walk slowly. The cool, calm breeze that just brushes against my skin. The quiet suburb atmosphere, dogs barking from afar, the few cars slowly travelling on the roads. The alleycats jumping one wall over the other — you know, alley cats are perhaps the most fascinating bunch of them all.
They roam the night in search of prey, in search of the hunt. In search of companionship, perhaps. I came outside in search of meaning. I was isolated, in my room writing my words, contemplating my will. Do I have the power in my hands? Or am I just deceiving myself that I have control over what happens to me? In the end, these questions are my guide and the walk I am intending to take is my path to answering these questions.
It’s not that I don’t want to sleep, as everyone around me is quietly immersed in the sleepy embrace, of the night sky. Whereas I who is anxious can only sleep when everyone I love is alive and awake. It is in the darkness, the nightly dark sky and the cool, calming suburban breeze helps me to digress upon the fact that makes me who I am. It helps me understand the deep disparities of what I need and what I really want at the moment.
A cold, dark precipice where I aim to walk — to contemplate the timely existence of my life. Perhaps it’s time that I head back inside, to fetch a snack in dear old midnight.
As the half-crescent moon passes over my head — I bid you farewell, my anxiety and despair.