I Have Been Through The Wringer, Especially In 2020 But I’m Hopeful For Tomorrow

So much has transpired in my life, and everybody’s life and still half of the year is yet to come, what would It be like? We should always hope for the best, for whatever awaits us!

Time flies when you are boxed in your house not that I don’t appreciate the solitude, the seconds run by turning to minutes, days and weeks as you write every word that comes to mind into drafts that never would come to see the light of day unless you press the green Theaurpeutic button — “Publish.”

This year can certainly be said as one of the worst years of human history, perhaps the hardest year is more suitable. We have been through the wringer, had so many incidents, so many hardships, so many losses, — so much grief and pain we have to bear, and so many loved ones we have had to bury and part ways with.

It was just 13th June, when my grandmother was suffering from liver failure and she was barely being able to breathe. Liquid started filling in her body, as she couldn’t urinate — the kidneys had failed. The memory is so fresh and so full of suffering, my beautiful and strong Bibi — She struggled a lot to breathe, as I sat beside her care, for the previous last two nights before her untimely demise, that gave me the hardest stroke of this year.

It has barely been 15 days, and the days that followed, it has been unnervingly hard but I have managed good so far. My uncle and my father’s childhood best friend who lost his family in a tragic accident, a year earlier died of a heart attack, a few weeks before my grandmother passed away. My father ushered the news while we were looking for a donor, for blood for my grandmother’s surgery. As she broke her leg, by falling from her bed one night in June.

This news, just threw us all in a state of disarray, at her ripe age of 86. She suffered from such a brutal injury, and that too in times of COVID-19. We have been in a smart lockdown, where I’m from. I have been taking care of myself, and everyone. Keeping in check with everyone, whether they are abroad or near my vicinity. Because in dire times chances are, Something always goes wrong when you aren't;t careful. You have to be very cautious and try your best to take care of everyone. Anxiety was up to its peak, especially for me.

We tried to find blood, but couldn’t. We checked so many hospitals, but because of COVID-19, we couldn’t find a successful donor. Thus, we tried all day, and night running around cities to check for a possible blood bank offering a solution. Even though I am a Universal Donor, and I can donate my blood to anyone. Even in that scenario, most banks wouldn’t take the risk of Corona infection. In some ways, it is a regret that is mine to bear, perhaps if I had given my blood, and it had matched and her organs wouldn’t have failed with the new donor’s blood.

But in chaos who knows, there are so many factors to consider. I don’t beat myself, on this factor anymore — although I did feel really bad for a few days. My grandmother was a very special person in my life. She bore me into a fine young man that I am today. She deserves a lot of praise from me because she instilled and showed me so many qualities of a fine man should be. Love, sacrifice, and affection perhaps these that are an internal funnel of my soul is something, my grandmother had crafted from the inner depths of my existence. She cemented these traits, in so many children she loved, and earned, and there are thousands of people she touched through her existence. Those were perhaps, still came to say goodbye, on her funeral — for whom that could, and the others who couldn’t still mourn for their beloved mother, their love and joy.

In her final moments, she screamed and wailed. A few nights, before her death she broke into tears, as she couldn’t bear her state. You can easily imagine how any one of us could be, feeling how hard living life can get when you can’t move, can’t eat properly. Even moving hurts you, to even take a shit you have to suffer the pain. We all have seen this a few times, my people. I have seen their suffering, and I have stayed by them while they slept taking care. You shouldn’t hide away when your loved one is suffering. Stay by their side, and comfort them through their hardship, it is the best of sacrifice and love that you can do, even if you can’t bear the pain, bear it — you must.

She had trouble breathing, and she couldn’t talk, or speak. She couldn’t drink her medicine, while I stood her up and my aunt tried to give her water. She spat it out because at that moment she couldn’t even drink the liquid. We called the ambulance, and I lift her and put in the ambulance. I stayed behind, meanwhile, other family members went to the hospital. Before that, I had already gone to the hospital, it’s just a few minutes of walking from my house, as I live in suburbia of doctors, and there are many hospitals built around it. I rushed and ran for the ambulance, and I came back home, and I had assured my grandmother,

“Everything will be all right.”

When they took her, I was so distressed that I rushed towards my praying mat, and did ablution and then prayed for her, and prayed I hard with tears, down my face asking God to save my grandmother, but perhaps it was written this way. I asked for relief, perhaps it was what was promised. My sister knocked on my door and gave me the grave news, on the 15th of June, at 12:45 pm

My Bibi is no more, as the tears i wept and just sat on the ground, of my room, I wail in silence.

As I kind of knew at that moment, that last thing she stifled a struggle as she was gripping hard unto life. I know that struggle, I have seen death twice, in life, and even experienced once. That feeling was no more than, something that I was reassuring myself to prepare, for what comes next.

What happened, next is that I buried my grandmother in our family cemetery, where all of our members, generations upon generations are buried. I stayed there, with her grave that night, and so did her family. We stayed and prayed until the sun came back up. Though we had lost her — it didn’t feel like she was gone. We didn’t lose hope, we got more strength, we bore it all together, with one another. Giving each other a hand in hand, and supporting each other.

Who needs a shoulder to cry on? I gave mine. You should give yours, too. Who needs a hug?, give them some, and stay in that tight embrace. And just stay there, there.

There are many losses, perhaps if we aren’t careful. If we don’t take care of our loved ones, and also the people right next to us.

A warm greeting with a smile can change someone’s day for the better — words that I live by every day.

Perhaps, this year has given me the many lessons to bear. Every year does that, I was diagnosed with severe depression, a week later. After my grandmother died, as I just couldn’t bear the headaches, anymore. These were coming near my eyes, and it was irritating me a lot, and thus I went to the doctor, and then a psychiatrist. Although I keep my composure, I am fairly strong-willed. I am always calm, even at the moment, my grandmother died. I was still calm, but sadly when you’re calm, it hurts you more on the inside than what you show on the outside, and that struggle caused my depression to reach its climax.

Although I’m healthy now and everyone around me is keeping themself in check, and We know it better, she wanted us always to not worry about her, and live the best life with love, and share it. Whenever I walk outside, I see my beautiful grandmother smiling, and calling my name. And then we would chat the night afterward. I’m glad I spent my evenings and nights wisely. I have lessons, of another lifetime, of another generation, and another person coursing through me. I am not but one person — I am a legacy of people left behind who went to the in-between, the world of void where they may rest in peace, like everyone who dies, and parts with this world.

There is a reason to be hopeful, through hardship comes strength — the strength that can help you carry people on your shoulders, and provide them the same spirit you have been imbued with. Thus, we can look forward to having the best life we can live with what we have together, as one. There is so much to look forth to, that we shouldn’t miss, even if death looms around our door. We should be fearless and expect to make life the best that we can for ourselves.

We are not alone, and We are twice as strong, perhaps even more than that. We will get through this, I will get through, you will get through this — why because we all have survived far worse things, let’s be honest about it. If we follow the SOPs, and take care of one another and share ourselves, our food, our shelter, our homes, so we can safeguard each other. Keep our loved ones close, even take a moment, to respect and remember the departed ones. They fought the fight, and now its time to fight in their place but we will make it.

We will become their legacy, we will carry their piety and love onwards. And share it with the world, because in these dire times our world needs it the most. So do what you can, to save a life.

I would end this hopeful anecdote with something, my beloved grandmother used to say,

“Stay blessed, my children — Don’t worry about me, I will be all right. So you take care of yourself now, Give the children some love, warm hugs and may God be with you, Peace”

I write about life, and the hope it bears in a poetic context. 💖🕊️

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