Despair, & Anguish; Revisit Part I
It has been almost a year since it happened, an episode of a never-ending calamity that resurfaced again in my life. All the feelings of regret, traumas, sufferings, and anguish triggered my walls to shatter and despair engulfed me. Tears, Screams, agonizing pain, wailing, & sheer agony surrounded me. For a moment I screamed, I had to… I couldn’t control myself and all the things I had suffered through my choices and through the choices of others around me. For a significant moment in time, my strength to hold my emotions intact had left me & I was left with despair… that resides at the bottom of my soul.
It’s tough for all of us to go in and out of despair where anguish engulfs us from time to time. Friendship is such a weird sentiment, where people when they find someone better to fit their “status quo” leave us behind… waiting. Why does it feel like they abandon us, we who thought the world for them and believed to be their companion until the day we die!? such a predicament. This too is a challenge in life when it comes to friendship, a challenge that we have to overcome, time and time again.
Is Love an essential catalyst when it comes to cultivating a healthy and mature friendship!
But it falls short when the other person falls short of promise! Indeed, we meet people who promise us many things, but they never truly understand what their promises mean, or what it stands for… lies, unfortunately!
we hear it mostly,
“we accept the love, we think we deserve” (Perks of being a Wallflower)
But in doing so, we shun the unconditional love people openly give to us, that we never truly accept… because we don’t pay attention to the detail that surrounds us. Not being able to realize these signs we unknowingly tear apart the hearts & hopes of the people that truly care about us, even though they just want to be acknowledged i.e. a human sentiment towards their care and affection. They just want to be an active part of our lives, and we don’t let them become a significant donor of affection and care in our life. Alas, this seems to be a mystery to some people, most of whom don’t eventually realize that friendship involves a higher form of love, compassion, and companionship that can impact our lives on such a spiritual level.
Such people push themselves towards the crowd, and try to pursue a materialistic form of attraction that never fills them with the satisfaction they crave, i.e. they denied. This form of relationship demands them to lose parts of themselves just to fit the status quo of a relationship in a society so shallow. In doing so they astray from the people who actually care about them with the people who treat them so insignificantly lesser where they have to sacrifice their patience, their freedom but most of all their sense of self to receive a “better sense of longing and connection”. It just seems so hypocritically hysterical.
And thus they stop talking, & pretend to formulate a behavior that shuns your very existence from which you start to contemplate as if you never existed in their life. We sometimes believe that we will be here for each other when the time comes, this is a dream that breaks apart very easily… given time.
Even though they find other people to become their muse, they lose actual friendships that might have changed them for the better.
Maybe that’s the fear these people have of being corrected to let go of their ways, and it probably imprisons their demons from roaming freely and causing unnecessary chaos and havoc.
For you, who gives them unconditional love, and affection… all these happenings might foster envy or even jealousy that your desire wasn’t met… Sometimes, it is just sadness that does attribute towards these feelings, they are human feelings, we all feel them at times… where our efforts aren’t acknowledged… there are anger, frustration and even self-doubt that comes wrapped in the form of true despair in which we confine ourselves because we don’t seem to have a choice when whatever we try to do causes us, to lose what we gave freely. The sheer magnitude of loneliness that the death of friendship represents… has not only the loss of the mind and the body but the true intentions we all carry for one another that stems from our souls.