A Leap Of Faith Serves A Passage Of Peace For Those Who Choose To Take It
What stops us from writing, reading, or living for that matter? I have been pondering this for a while now. Ever since I got diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety. Although, most of the time I am calm yet there is still something weird in the air that I breathe or the path that I tread.
Things seem different, like not that different yet the air is unusual. The feelings towards many things have changed. I have changed, and I do not feel like I belong here. I feel stationary.
After such a long time, I have stopped — to think things through.
This break, this year or moreover this entire experience has taught me another fundamental lesson that I needed i.e. life has become swift and I don’t need to rush anymore, to live.
Through my experience, I believe I was always aching to push myself every day. Whether it was internal battles or my external struggles — I wanted to live it through. But now I have taken a break from that drive, pushing myself away from that struggle. Why!?
It is something I profoundly think about, as I have distanced myself from many people. I have come towards this precipice of uncertainty where I feel like I want to close my eyes and jump.
Taking a deep breath, not holding to fear — I jump.
At first, the wind hits my skin and I am falling with intense speed. The air whistling against my ears, as I fall to a chasm that I had avoided all those years. A reservoir that contained all the malice and hardship that I bore through. I was facing it.
“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”
— Eckhart Tolle
Though I made it safely to the bottom without a scratch, now I have discarded all the shields and barriers I had put up to fight these evils of the self. I am walking without restraint, not tied down by my strength. Facing everything at face value.
I feel good.
I have stopped struggling, I have let it go and making it phase through me. People around me have asked lately, “Why do I seem so sad when I am quiet?”
I am not sad, I have just accepted what was in my control and what wasn’t.
I have stopped struggling, and thus I feel free. I feel peace, though it is a mix of everything indeed.
True, I do am sad. But my aura is just a mix of both sadness and joy. It is hard for others to decipher, but only for myself to recognize — or those perhaps who have seen the same through my eyes.
A sense of peace and calmness flows slowly — every day.
Though, I have lost much sleep in the process. I have paid the price to free myself of the struggle. It wasn’t hard, I felt I was ready to experience this at the current time.
It was my time to stop, it all.
It needed to cease, this feeling of unease that came from the deep struggles of my being. I needed to believe that I could read, without needing to exert myself indeed.
My being is on another voyage yet, filled with hardship but this time I feel I won’t struggle against it. I feel free to avoid such things even if they contribute small-time joys, I have stopped them from occurring.
I am walking towards a path, that I chose for the growth of my well being. In time perhaps I might again, tread upon the path of old when I am ready.
“Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.”
— Wayne W. Dyer
For now, I feel we should give up on certain foolish endeavors that are not worth the time. I will allow myself to take up another path, one that I believe will enlighten me with a perspective that would strengthen my being for the adventures to come.
What stopped me from living such moments as described was the feeling of what lies beyond our choices? A certain fear, of exerting ourselves or pushing for that matter from the things we think we need when in reality they are what is stopping us from achieving peace in our lives.
I will cease it, so that I may find the peace that lies beyond that choice — a path to eternal solace.
Thank you so much for reading.